he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
