the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
