ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
