Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
