There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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