You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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