When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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