im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
