Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
