You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
