dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
