She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
