How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
