Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
