You're earring is so big in my mouth
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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