I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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