dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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