so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
