his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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