My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
