I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
