found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
