Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
