He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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