I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
