it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
