so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I booty called her while she was in labor.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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