i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
