I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
