There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
