He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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