I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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