When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
PANTIES FOUND
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