I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
