Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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