Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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