remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
