i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
