Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
