I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
