so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
