Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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