So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
What a dumb baby whore.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
