look no pants
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
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Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
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I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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