You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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