it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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