Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
