He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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