I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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