Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize