If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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