Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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