I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
