I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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