My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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