i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
