I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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