Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
