Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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